Category: How It Is

A friend remarked she was impressed I was able to stay calm under the abuse slung my way. I have a secret.

I’m Often Very Angry

I’m not calm. I’m often quite irate and I froth and I rant. Some of my friends hear those rants. The complaints about how can people be that myopic and obtuse run rampant. I also do on occasion see red and feel my blood pressure rise and I want to reply to people so angrily.

I really do. I want to scream and use all caps to emphasize that lying to people, trying to trick them, or otherwise doing bad things makes them bad people. I really want to shake some people to make them see they’re hurting themselves more than anything else. Some people I want to take their computers away because clearly they’re too immature for even free plugin hosting.

That’s My Secret

If you saw the movie The Avengers, then you may recall a moment when Bruce Banner said he controlled the Hulk by always being angry.

The trick of that is its simplicity. You see, if Banner could only control the Hulk by not getting angry, then he’d lose. But by accepting his anger and being always angry at the state of the world, at his situation, and so on, he doesn’t have to control the anger anymore. He has to control his temper. That is, he controls his response to anger, but he allows the anger to happen.

It’s Okay To Be Angry

We all get angry. We see people doing stupid things and we get mad. But we have a choice in how we respond and react to those things. You can’t stop yourself from being angry, but you can stop yourself from being an uncontrolled Hulk when you’re angry.

Seeing people not care about others gets me madder than anything else. Be it cutting in line, stealing, abuse, or the government. Or, yes, plugins. I get pissed off. I find that lack of humanity, lack of humanitarianism, to be appalling and disgusting.

But I don’t lash out and hurt people (at least not intentionally) when it happens. I try to educate, to discuss, and to communicate.

We Have A Choice

We usually have a choice on how we react. There are, of course, situations where we are not in control of ourselves, where we react before we can control. Trauma triggers cause that in many of us. But where and when we do have a choice, we must remember our humanity. We must chose control.

I get painted as a bad guy a lot. I’ve been called names, everything you can think up. I’ve had my gender, sexuality, appearance, and ability all mocked and derided. And most of this has happened since I took up the role of a volunteer in WordPress.

Creation, Editing, Fitting In

As a writer, which is how I’ve always seen myself first, I’m used to the ruthlessness of the editing process. I’ve seen papers torn apart and painted red with corrections and commentary. Why this? What are you saying here? I understand the reason for ripping apart creativity to find it’s heart and crux and meaning. Art for the sake of art is different than art for the sake of consumption, after all.

But instead of a career in the arts, or journalism, I had a different path. Out of college I went to work for a bank and quickly learned how to fit myself into the cog of a machine. I had a role and a life that did not encourage innovation and uniqueness, but that of interchangeability. And in that work, I began to understand the reason for patterns and the similarity.

I’ve always been fascinated by patterns. I liked to see how the number went from 09 to 18 and 27 and obviously the first number goes up while the second goes down, and isn’t math cool? Seeing the pattern in the work at the bank taught me that while we are all creating and inventing, what we make has to be used in many different ways, and they all need to talk to each other. So we have to make sure all the little cogs and wheels interlock properly.

It’s Still Creation

I like to watch the behind the scenes parts of movies. It’s why I prefer to own physical copies. I have watched all the extras for the Lord of the Rings movies. That’s why I know Tolkien disliked when people were obsessed with his work. Because he was not obsessed. He liked what he did, but it wasn’t the end of the world if people didn’t care for it. He made something neat to tell the story he wanted to tell

Often we as developers fail at this. It’s not entirely our fault. We’re told that what we do is engineering or science, and we forget to stress the creative aspect of inventing that which has never been seen before. We forget progress is forged by dreams. And that’s why, when you see a one star review of your work, it flays you open, leaving you chained to the rocks for the crows to eat your innards. You gave fire to man, and this was your reward?!

Let’s breathe. What Tolkien didn’t seem to understand was that he had created life. He had made a world so amazing and vibrant, people saw it and wanted to be a part of it. Similarly, when we create code, we give life to others.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I’ve gotten the greatest compliments on my work in the form of someone telling me it helped them achieve their goals. People have started businesses, found success, and made something of themselves, all because of something I did.

But more often, or at least what I remember more, are the names and the anger and the harassment. The people who stalk me down on Slack and Twitter, demanding that I pay attention to them right now and that they are the most important thing… while being angry when I do devote that time, but that my answer is not what they wanted.

Remember Your Self

Originally I titled this post “When you’re evil for doing good.” Really that didn’t touch on the real feeling I have about this. Because at the end of it all, I sit and look at the work I’ve done and I ask myself “What was this for?”

I have a strange life. I have a job that is essentially trying to keep 26% of the internet safe from itself. So my answer for “What was this for?” has become a question of itself. “Is this going to make it better or worse?”

When I come to decisions, like to tell someone we cannot host their code because they have lied and broken the guidelines too many times, it always comes from this place. Will I make things better for the majority or worse? And in that moment, I ignore the other question. “Will this hurt me?” Because the answer to that is “Yes, probably.”

“Honor is what you know about yourself.”

There’s no way I can make hard decisions and not get hurt. There’s no way I can do it and not hurt others. But I sit and I remember my self. My inner self that wants to make things better, safer, and as fair as possible. I remember the me who wants to say “What I do makes the internet better.” And if that comes at a personal cost, well. I will know this.

I have integrity.

I have honesty.

I have empathy.

As long as I have those, and as long as I do my best and keep learning and becoming better, I will be doing the right thing. And I can live with being ‘evil’ when I’m doing good.