Half-Elf on Tech

Thoughts From a Professional Lesbian

Tag: communication

  • 18 Months Without Contact Forms

    18 Months Without Contact Forms

    In February of 2016 I deleted my contact forms (except one).

    In the subsequent 18 months, I’ve actually enjoyed it, as the cruft email in my box has dropped significantly. But it led to a few peculiar situations. You see, people do still try to get a hold of me personally , and they’ve taken to interesting methods.

    Keep in mind. I’m talking about my personal contact. Not work. Work is work is work. This is basically you calling my house, not my office.

    Everything Is About Plugins

    Every. Single. Time.

    I’m only talking about unsolicited messages. Not “We’ve been talking about X in the #meta and let’s take it to a sidebar.” And it’s not “Last week you said X was okay in #forums and I have a followup.”

    I mean, literally, people I’ve never spoken to before who fall into one of two categories:

    1. People looking for help with a plugin I wrote
    2. People who got an email from the Plugins address

    For group 1, please use the WordPress support forums. For group 2, please press ‘reply’ on your email.

    But they don’t. Instead they use…

    Twitter

    It’s not a secret I leave DMs open on Twitter. This means, yes, anyone can DM me if they want. So far, I’ve received the following:

    • multiple offers to speak at an event
    • multiple requests to help with a plugin review
    • multiple complaints that blocking their ‘company’ account on twitter was unethical of me
    • requests for help from friends

    That last one I don’t mind. It’s pretty rare, and it’s from people who are, you know, friends. They’re also incredibly respectful of my time (as I try to be of theirs) and understand when I say no. Pro tip: If someone lashes out or acts up after you tell them ‘sorry, no’ they’re not actually your friend, they find you useful.

    Facebook

    This one cracks me up because I limit FB messages to friends only, so I get a lot of friend requests just so people can message me. I decline them. The only trend I’ve noticed there is people who met me at WordCamps (sorry, no), and people from AWP (again, no).

    I actually block a lot more people from FB for snide comments than anywhere else.

    Slack

    90% of the ‘unsolicited’ contacts on Slack I get are people who, for some reason, instead of pressing the reply button in their email, decide to DM me.

    The rest are people who have a question about plugins and even though they know about the email address, think it’ll be faster to DM me. At 8pm. On Saturday.

    Salem the cat from "Sabrina the Teenaged Witch" laughing maniacally while stirring a cauldron

    The contact form on my ebook site

    I actually went to look at those. The last few emails are:

    • Spam to pay someone to write copy for my site for ‘SEO’
    • Spam for a VPN
    • Someone asking ‘If I can’t use a contact form, how am I supposed to get help?’
    • Spam about SEO

    Dear person – That’s what the support forums are for.

    How Do You Contact Someone Without A Contact Form?

    Generally? You don’t.

    Look. There’s no form on my website because I’m not your free support. If you have a problem with a plugin I wrote, go to the plugin page on WordPress.org and ask for help. I get emailed when you do that. If you have a problem with a plugin review, press reply on your email. Shockingly? I get an email about that.

    What About Work?

    Oh that pesky professional thing.

    First of all – use the established contact methods. WordPress plugins all have support forums. Use those. Did you get an email? Press reply to the email and either propose a different method to converse or stick to whatcha got. Sometimes email will be the only way to go, as it’s the lowest common denominator (it’s 2017 – everyone has an email since you needed one to get on Twitter or Facebook or Slack in the first place).

    Next, if you know how to contact someone, unsolicited, about work things, then just do that. It’s not very complicated. You reach out, you apologize for the interruption, and you ask if I have time to talk about X. Here’s an example for you:

    Sorry to bother you. I’m planning a non-WordCamp event in Dallas for 2018 and I was wondering if you or your company would be interested in sponsoring? You can find the details at http://event-example.com and my email is me@event-example.com

    That works because you’re starting out being respectful of the other person’s time. You’re offering contact information, which demonstrates sincerity, and lets me know there’s a non-platform limited way to get in touch with you.

    Here’s another:

    Sorry about the DM, but I don’t know where to go for this. I’m having a problem with DreamPress and I can’t log in to my panel. What’s the right way to get my access back?

    This is good because you’re not assuming I’m the contact, and you’re asking ‘what is right?’ If it’s me, I’ll happily tell you. Well. Not happily, because I’ll be bummed you can’t log in, but I’ll help you sort it out (BTW: The answer there is the DreamPress Support page where someone’s familiar mug can be seen).

    The point here is that reaching out to someone, in an unsolicited way, requires you to begin by respecting them as a human. If you can’t do that, you’re basically sending them hate-mail.

    Be sincere. Be respectful. Be polite.

    And if you DM me about plugin reviews, I’ll just block you and walk away.

  • The Awareness of Method

    February and March were weird for me. A lot of personal drama, and none of it really mattered to the masses so I kept it to myself and my close friends. I don’t feel the need to publicly broadcast my personal pain on everyone, and I do my best to step back and let it (hopefully) not impact my reactions to everyone else.

    This was very hard because a goodly portion of my drama was from the public sector, and it boiled down to people unintentionally hurting me. And as I grumbled on Twitter, I feel like I need to explain how having hurt feelings doesn’t mean I’m over reacting. Which is preposterous.

    I understand that, for the most part, the people who hurt me certainly did not intend to attack me or sound combative. And I’m well aware that tone is a terribly difficult thing to read in the written word. That’s why good authors take the time to explain things in detail. Things like italics and bold and capital letters are important for reading into the meaning of a sentence.

    At the same time, any time a comment aimed towards me starts with a remark about how they don’t care for drama, I walk away. You should never say that. If you don’t want to talk about the drama, don’t invite the drama. It’s really that simple. And if you’re worried that how you’re saying something, it’s a sign that you should rethink what you’re saying and how you’re saying. This is where the method comes in to play.

    The intent of what you’re saying is subject to the manner in which you say it. If you ask a sincere question and people react strongly and negatively to it, then your intent was lost in the method. Communication in text-only is complicated. You can’t see people’s faces, you can’t hear their tone, and most of us don’t know each other to the degree that we can reliably read intent. Simply put, your intent is subject to how it’s read.

    For a long time, I’ve advocated people remember that when someone misinterprets what they’ve said, the fault lies in both parties. If I say something and it’s read as aggressive, this is in part my fault for not tempering my tendency to be direct with the need people have for humanity in a conversation. At the same time, no matter how nicely I say “Your plugin has been closed…” someone is rightly going to read it and be angry and interpret that I am being mean or offensive.

    It’s a no-win situation. Or at least it’s one I’ve never figured out how to win. I’ve been told the default ‘your plugin has been rejected…’ email is too angry because it uses all caps for one line, even though it apologizes and explains it’s trying to get the reader’s attention and encourage them to … well … read. That email was developed over years of communications with thousands of developers. It’s the one we determined to have the highest success rate of people actually reading and processing what was said.

    Still, at least once a day someone replies to an email asking ‘How do I resubmit my plugin?’ This invariably comes in reply to an email that says “When you’ve corrected your code, reply to this email with the updated code attached as a zip, or provide a link to the new code for us to review.” And at that point, I honestly don’t know how to make it more clear.

    When people say the email is too aggressive, I explain that we’ve cultivated them over years, but we’re always willing and welcome to make it less so. And we ask if they have suggestions? Not a single person has ever replied with advice, except the person who said “Don’t use emoticons, they’re unprofessional.”

    Seriously, you just can’t win.

    Which brings me to the point and it’s that winning isn’t the point. Losing is the point. We lose when we don’t take into consideration the reaction to what we say. We lose when we dismiss someone else’s reaction. We lose when we over-react to what we perceive as an over-reaction.

    We will never be able to always speak clearly and without accidental misunderstandings. We will never be able to ask every question in a way that makes everyone feel welcome to join a dialogue.

    We can be aware that our words have weight and meaning, especially because an increasing number of us communicate in text first (if not text only). We can try to learn from our mistakes. We can apologize sincerely for those mistakes.

    What you say can and will be taken out of context. It can and will be read the wrong way. When it happens, it hurts and it tends to make you react poorly. But being hurt by someone’s words doesn’t mean you’re over-reacting. And it would do us all good to remember to respect other people’s feelings and reactions.

    Yes. Even me.