I try not to make this site about my personal grievances about people and attitude, and only about my code, but it does come back to code many times.
“I thought you knew what you were talking about. Never mind.”
That was actually said to me, about three years ago, when someone realized my name, Mika, was a woman’s name and not the male ‘Mike’ he’d thought it was. This was after pages upon pages of testing and debugging. The moment someone corrected him as to my name, and gender, he stopped listening to me. At the time, WordPress was my hobby, and so I decided he wasn’t worth my time anymore and walked away.
Then he followed me ‘home’ and emailed me saying women like me should stop trying to do tech support, and just find someone who knew what they were talking about. I deleted the email, blocked his email from my inbox and my blogs (using Sitewide Comment Control), and moved on.
If you need a reminder of the abuse and harassment we face daily, please read about the ping-pong theory of tech world sexism or No skin thick enough: The daily harassment of women in the game industry. In both cases, the content may upset you.
The problem is that I can’t tell you how to deal with people who want to chase you off the internet, and if you should or should not fight them. I can tell you how to prevent them from getting further into your life once you’ve decided that you’re done with them.
I talked about this at WordCamp Minneapolis earlier this year, and the steps to Detoxify Your Website remain valid. In fact, those are my best methods for self protection. I use them today, not just when people are mean to me but when I know I cannot be nice to them. Some people rub you the wrong way and you know you’re going to lash at them. It’s okay to prevent yourself from talking to them.
That’s how I deal with them.
Don’t Reply If You’re Angry
If I’m angry I tell them “Hey, you’re making me angry right now and I can’t talk fairly about this, so I’m walking away. I promise I’ll come back, but I need to cool down.” If they follow me after that, they get blocked and I don’t go back. Respect people who need to step back and cool down. If it’s not a situation where I have to reply, I reach out to my friends in the same arena. “Can you talk to this person for me? I’m too angry to be sensible.”
Set Boundaries and Stick To Them
I’m very firm about this with plugins. If I emailed you a plugin thing, like I had to close your plugin, asking me to update you on Twitter or Slack doesn’t actually do anything except annoy me. Yes, Aaron, we’re friends and yes, that still annoyed me. The real reason replies to plugins take time is that I don’t have a TARDIS, so unless you can invent one, it’s best to give folks at least 48 hours to reply. But replying to an email and then pinging me on Slack and Twitter is the equivalent of the phone call “Hey, did you get my email?”
I totally get that the subject is important to you. It’s important to me too. But you’re not helping me. So I draw a line and say “Hey, don’t ping me about the email. Reply to the email. I’ll read it and reply back.” That’s my boundary. I like it. It lets me cool down if I’m mad (see the previous note).
Don’t Feed Trolls
Lara Littlefield taught me a great phrase. “This makes absolutely no sense.”
To quote her:
I will reply “this makes no sense” to any comment that expresses misogyny or racism.
That’s my new reply. I’m using it. If someone drops into misogyny, racism, or anything of that ilk, they generally do it in a way that shows me they’re not going to listen. It’s like Godwin’s Law. Once you’re at the Nazi place, conversation is over and you’re not getting anything good about it.
That makes absolutely no sense.
Have People To Vent To
I bitch to my friends when I’m angry. I start with “I’ve very pissed off, it’s not at you, but I need to rant.” And guess what? My friends will let me bitch. They let me complain in language that is inappropriate and not well thought out. They give me a free pass to say horrible things. They let me get it all out. And then they help me be constructive.
You guys are pretty cool.
But it only works because I start with where I’m at and what I need. Sometimes they ask “Do you need to rant or do you want help figuring out what to do next?” Sometimes I don’t know, and that usually turns into “Rant away, Mika, and we’ll see what comes next.” Find those people. Keep them in your life.
Don’t Air Dirty Laundry
If you have a fight with someone, don’t plaster it all over the news. I’d say ‘and don’t subtweet’ but sometimes it helps. The real thing is that you don’t want to hurt your friends. Friends can be pretty vile to each other when we fight, so remember that you are friends, and try not to destroy things. Don’t blog post or comment about how so and so sucks. Don’t say the horrible things in public if you can help it.
You can’t go back from that.
The internet remembers.