How about a nice story?
WARNING: This post repeats some offensive terms being thrown at people, but it ends happily.
There once was a developer, let’s call him Doug, who put a large donation request that could not be removed on the control panel of their plugin without editing the code. No way to click-and-dismiss. It was just there, like an albatross.
The plugins team pulled the plugin and told Doug why. Sounds normal, right?
Actually not. Here’s a hit list of things Doug said to actual users in the weeks surrounding the closure:
- retarded
- loser
- feeble minded
- idiot
- ‘too dumb to exist’
I think you get the idea. There were also some good ‘your mom’ digs. And by good I mean “Dude, what is wrong with you?”
Where’s the Back?
I think most people can suss out why he was banned. The guy had a really bad month and just took it out on everyone under the sun.
Well. A few years later… No, wait, let me loop back.
Three months later, Doug made some fake accounts on WordPress.org to shill his (closed) plugins. Those were removed, and I pinged him to point out he was banned, and please stop.
No reply to that for another couple years. Then, out of the blue, Doug submitted … a new plugin. I hesitated and thought that, since it had been almost 4 years, maybe he was different. So I emailed him and outright asked if this was going to be a repeat of the same shit.
Doug replied that no, he had gotten some much needed mental help and was ashamed of his past. He did not ask for those old posts to be removed, but promised he would not pick fights or call names. He just wanted to make plugins.
It was sincere, folks.
You really can read an email and see that sometimes, and this was one.
His plugin was approved, and he’s been perfectly fine ever since.
That’s it?
There is a magic to an apology and Doug actually understood it.
- You actually understand what you did and why it was wrong.
- You sincerely apologize.
- You take full responsibility for your actions.
- You focus on the effect your actions had, not their intent.
- You take steps to make things right.
- You don’t ask to be forgiven.
Oh I know that last one made a bunch of heads turn on a swivel.
Pretty much every ‘How to apologize’ gets into asking for forgiveness.
The problem with that is you start focusing on the wrong thing. The point of an apology is not to be forgiven, it’s to heal the wound you caused in someone else. Seriously, you don’t apologize to make you feel better, though if you’re a decent human it will do that anyway. No, you apologize because you hurt someone, and that was wrong.
Doug shared emails where he’d contacted the people he’d insulted and told them he was sorry. He did that without be asked.
That was it. He was sorry. He didn’t ask, or expect, to be forgiven, he understood he’d hurt people and it was wrong. He made steps to never be that guy again.
And you know what? He never has been Asshole Doug again. But he is a rare bird.
Doug’s story always reminds me, when I’m the asshole, that I need to be sincere when I apologize. It’s a good lesson for all of us.
