This is not about my plugin of the same name.
For my first ‘real’ adult job, I was asked if I knew what WinINSTALL was. “Its like WinImage,” they said.
I had no idea what they were talking about. I thought I was applying for a software testing and deployment gig, and that sounded like images. I’d like to say I told them the truth, that I wasn’t sure what that specific software was for. I didn’t. I bluffed. “WinImage? Sure. I know that one.” And then I rattled off what the job description had said. “It takes snapshots of operating systems in order to collect all the changes to know exactly what software did when it was installed. Right?”
Could they see I knew nothing? I guess not, because they hired me. And I had no idea what that actually meant. Sure, I understood the concept, but had no idea what I was really getting into, so I bluffed. I talked around the subject, hitting the technical points I did know and, in doing so, got hired. And I was scared for years that one day someone would realize I didn’t know jack.
We all start out not knowing, and when we get to the point that we do know, we feel that those early bluffs mean one day, someone will find out, we’re liars. That we know nothing. Learning to deal with the fallout from that one interview has been a years long process. It set the tone for my tech life, my life in general, because I’d built everything on a lie. The lie eventually became truth, but trust me that doesn’t make you feel any better.
When I started speaking at WordCamps, I was terrified because of that lie a decade before. Why would people want to hear from me? I had nothing to say that other people hadn’t said. The second and third times got much easier, but I still get scared. I’m scared now! When I wrote my first eBook, someone said something hurtful. He said “Why would anyone buy your book? They can just google and find that out themselves!” But I wrote it, sold it, and even made a sequel. That was really hard to do because I was facing people telling me things were worthless.
Imposter Syndrome stems from our self doubts. It comes from the place where, like me at twenty, we bluff a little bit in order to get our foot in the door. It’s worse when, like a lot of people these days, we don’t have college degrees. We feel every day that someone will realize we know nothing. Let’s take a deep breath. There’s no magic cure to say “Do this and you will never again have these fears” — I have them all the time. Every time I take on a new role or task, I worry I won’t be able to succeed, and I can trace it back to that niggling fear from that day I bluffed. So I fake the confidence I need to stand up here. But I also remember these facts.
Fact One: Everyone’s bluffing about something.
We all do it. We all do it. If someone says they never exaggerate or bluff about their abilities, they’re liars. Hold on to that thought, because we all want to be seen as better than we are. It makes us feel good.
Fact Two: Some people ARE smarter and/or better than you are.
There’s at least one person out there who is smarter than you are or better than you are at a thing. That’s just a statistical reality. The different between them and you, however, is that you are here. You showed up. You’re here. It’s okay. The only way to get better and smarter is to keep doing things. So step one is show up. Accepting the fact that you’re not the best is hard, but as soon as you do, the constant fear to be best starts to fade a little.
Fact Three: Sometimes it’s just in your head.
Anyone who has a mental illness, be it depression, SAD, anxiety, can tell you this. Sometimes you get hit by a feeling of nothing and you don’t want to leave the house. You may stop answering your parents’ phone calls. You may just get really quiet. Or maybe you have a manic phase, or maybe just being around people hurts. This is all complicated and messy. But when that sort of thing happens, it can take a lot of time to remember to understand your brain and what you’re doing and when it’s you and not the world. You have to constantly judge things and ask yourself if your looking at things reasonably.
Sounds like I’m speaking from the heart, huh? When this happens to me, I rely on my friends. I ask them if I’m being irrational, if I’m just feeling self-doubt, or if there’s a real reason.
Fact Four: Just because it’s all in your head doesn’t mean it’s all in your head
You all saw or read Harry Potter, right? So in the last movie, when Harry’s in the weird limbo place and meets Dumbledore again, he asks if their conversation was real or if it was all in his head. Dumbledore points out that just because it’s all in his head doesn’t mean it’s not real. Just because you know you have a mental illness doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t real. Separating the two isn’t easy. It helps to have friends who can spot-check you. Of course, most of my friends work in WP, and I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of them. Welcome back, Imposter syndrome!
Fact Five: It’s okay to say you don’t know
That’s hard. That one always makes me think “Oh god, they’ll fire me because I don’t know this basic thing.” It’s not the case. If it is, well you would have hated working there anyway. You have to be able to able to learn. You need that freedom. You need the freedom to fail and experiment and say “I don’t know this.” But. You have to hold up your end of the bargain.
Fact Six: It’s not about what you know but how you know
If I’d been honest in the beginning, I might have started in a better place. If I’d just said “Nope, never used WinInstall but I’m willing to learn!” I could have set myself up different. Today, I don’t know much javascript. I’m still a bit touchy on sql. But I know how to know. I know how to google. I know how to research. I know how to learn. I’m okay with looking foolish for not knowing because I know I can’t know everything! I take notes, I document, and I learn. And the more I learn, the less I fear my own self.
Comments
3 responses to “Impostercide”
It’s hard being a woman in tech. I think the men bullshit so much better. Maybe it comes from fishing…
@Denise: I think men suffer from imposter syndrome in a different way. They’re asked to squelch their feelings in the interests of being ‘manly’ and that means their confusion manifests differently.
Certain things are, of course, easier for them, but not all things by any means.
Hey Mika,
I love your blog — I lurk all the time as part of my weekly reading list. I’m looking to change jobs, but my internal “self doubt” dialog keeps messing me up. So this post had perfect timing! Just the last few lines are probably the best part (could be its own book), and it helped me to see that I’m not the only developer that has these thoughts. Thank you for your openness on this topic!
BTW — I loved BOTH of your books (just saying)! Take care, keep learning, and keep writing! I’ll keep reading! 😉
Cheers,
Kyle